I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish i was in the wii world.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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