What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
