Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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