Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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