I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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