Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
