Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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