i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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