Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
