After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
