i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize