Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
