i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
