70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
