i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't turn off my feet"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
