Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize