This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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