I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
