i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
