Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
