its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
