i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
