I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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