I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
