Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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