I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
