Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize