I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
