I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
