living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
