He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is my gift to your gina
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
