Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize