I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize