You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
