So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
