they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
