i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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