dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
