Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
