she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
