i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
