Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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