you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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