Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
