i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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