I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
