im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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