I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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