I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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