i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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