Me. At least after what I've been through.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
