I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
