i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
