This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
