I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
