just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
