Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
