remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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