hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
