I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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