Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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