Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
whose parrot is this?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
