The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
