non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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